Sad stuff

"I am sorry, but, I don't see anything"

On March 17th 2013, those 8 words changed my life..

Rewind....

February 12th 2013 9:00 pm "Hey babe, I think I should have gotten my period by now, should I take a pregnancy test?" "Yeah."

9:15 pm "Its not going to say "pregnant" its just my body messing with me..."

9:16 pm "OH MY GOD! IT SAYS PREGNANT!" {insert awkward bawling/sobbing}

Our first appointment was on February 21st 2013, I was 5 weeks 6 days (How did I not know I was that pregnant? I found out the first time at 3 weeks 5 days, how did I make it to 5 weeks 1 day this time?)  Our precious baby's heart had just started to beat, so early it could only be seen and not heard. We were to go back in 2 weeks for a repeat ultrasound to check heartbeat.

March 6th 2013 appointment was at 10:30, everything was awesome, baby's heartbeat was 167. we went to lunch with a couple of friends and told them the awesome news. we were home at 12:30 and I was resting in bed. At about 1 pm I felt some wetness and got up to take care of it. I figured it was just the lubricant from the probe. I was wrong. Bright red blood, a lot of it. It was just gushing into the toilet. we called the doctors and they told us to come back. they repeated the ultrasound and said everything was fine, the bleeding is coming from the probe bumping your cervix.

I continued to bleed off and on over the next 10 days, on the 16th I was extremely constipated and needed some relief, I took something that night and finally felt relief, it was very short lived. About 10 minutes later I started having horrible cramps. I took the max dose of Tylenol with no relief. I was in so much pain I was begging my husband to take me to the ER, but he refused. I lay in bed all night, awake with horrible cramps crying, I knew that with the pain and bleeding I was having things weren't going to be alright. At 4 am I passed a large clot. I told my husband that at 6 am we were going to the ER. when we got to the ER I had to wait in triage for about 1/2 an hour, my pain was pretty much gone. when I was finally put in a room, they had me strip down and the doctor came right in. she tried the over the belly ultrasound and didn't see anything, but because I was only 9 weeks 3 days it could have still been a bit to early, so she decided to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound. Before she did that she checked my cervix to be sure it was closed, and also removed "debris". When she completed the ultrasound she said "I am sorry, but, I don't see anything"

This time was supposed to be different, this time I was supposed to walk away in 9 months with a precious baby in my arms. Now I have another huge hole in my heart. I don't know if it is better to have gotten pregnant and had the two losses, or to have never gotten pregnant at all. Sometimes the pain of this hurts so bad I can barely breathe. Every day I fear getting pregnant, I honestly don't think I could go through this again. 

Love and Hugs

Sara

W/o the h

Sorry For My Absence

Hey Bloggy friends, 

I want to take the time to apologize for my absence. I recently had some pretty tough stuff happen, and I needed to take a break from many things. I love writing and I love blogging and vlogging, but I am rather lazy at it. I am trying to become better organized at all this, but sometimes I just hit a block. We all have had that happen, right? Anyways I am getting back into it, later today there will be a post that will explain a lot of why I have been gone. Until then, I leave you with this:

Today I answer this question, and I will also ask it of you!

Love and Hugs,

Sara

w/o the h