Reminiscing of Fatter Days

Watching Louie Anderson the comedian   try to get out of the pool on "Splash" brought me back to my swim team days. That first relay when I didn't have a ladder to use to get me out of the pool and it took 2 people and me trying as hard as we could to get me out if the pool. 

 It felt like a slap in the face, I could have quit that day but I didn't. I don't know if I was ever able to get out on my own, but I do know that I kept swimming and I didn't let my weight and lack of strength stop me.

Yesterday I was at a pool party and I was able to get out of the pool on the side with out the stairs. It was an amazing feeling, but I think I'll use the stairs from now on, I have some really nice cuts on my knees from doing that!

Sometimes you start out thinking that something is impossible, and in the end you learn that it is possible! 

Love and hugs,

Sara

Sad stuff

"I am sorry, but, I don't see anything"

On March 17th 2013, those 8 words changed my life..

Rewind....

February 12th 2013 9:00 pm "Hey babe, I think I should have gotten my period by now, should I take a pregnancy test?" "Yeah."

9:15 pm "Its not going to say "pregnant" its just my body messing with me..."

9:16 pm "OH MY GOD! IT SAYS PREGNANT!" {insert awkward bawling/sobbing}

Our first appointment was on February 21st 2013, I was 5 weeks 6 days (How did I not know I was that pregnant? I found out the first time at 3 weeks 5 days, how did I make it to 5 weeks 1 day this time?)  Our precious baby's heart had just started to beat, so early it could only be seen and not heard. We were to go back in 2 weeks for a repeat ultrasound to check heartbeat.

March 6th 2013 appointment was at 10:30, everything was awesome, baby's heartbeat was 167. we went to lunch with a couple of friends and told them the awesome news. we were home at 12:30 and I was resting in bed. At about 1 pm I felt some wetness and got up to take care of it. I figured it was just the lubricant from the probe. I was wrong. Bright red blood, a lot of it. It was just gushing into the toilet. we called the doctors and they told us to come back. they repeated the ultrasound and said everything was fine, the bleeding is coming from the probe bumping your cervix.

I continued to bleed off and on over the next 10 days, on the 16th I was extremely constipated and needed some relief, I took something that night and finally felt relief, it was very short lived. About 10 minutes later I started having horrible cramps. I took the max dose of Tylenol with no relief. I was in so much pain I was begging my husband to take me to the ER, but he refused. I lay in bed all night, awake with horrible cramps crying, I knew that with the pain and bleeding I was having things weren't going to be alright. At 4 am I passed a large clot. I told my husband that at 6 am we were going to the ER. when we got to the ER I had to wait in triage for about 1/2 an hour, my pain was pretty much gone. when I was finally put in a room, they had me strip down and the doctor came right in. she tried the over the belly ultrasound and didn't see anything, but because I was only 9 weeks 3 days it could have still been a bit to early, so she decided to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound. Before she did that she checked my cervix to be sure it was closed, and also removed "debris". When she completed the ultrasound she said "I am sorry, but, I don't see anything"

This time was supposed to be different, this time I was supposed to walk away in 9 months with a precious baby in my arms. Now I have another huge hole in my heart. I don't know if it is better to have gotten pregnant and had the two losses, or to have never gotten pregnant at all. Sometimes the pain of this hurts so bad I can barely breathe. Every day I fear getting pregnant, I honestly don't think I could go through this again. 

Love and Hugs

Sara

W/o the h

Sorry For My Absence

Hey Bloggy friends, 

I want to take the time to apologize for my absence. I recently had some pretty tough stuff happen, and I needed to take a break from many things. I love writing and I love blogging and vlogging, but I am rather lazy at it. I am trying to become better organized at all this, but sometimes I just hit a block. We all have had that happen, right? Anyways I am getting back into it, later today there will be a post that will explain a lot of why I have been gone. Until then, I leave you with this:

Today I answer this question, and I will also ask it of you!

Love and Hugs,

Sara

w/o the h

Why I Journal

Some of my journals

I have been Journaling off and on for as long as I can remember. I don't know why I started, but these are the reasons I continue;

Journaling provides stress and anxiety relief for me.  I always keep my journal in my purse, when I get stressed, nervous, or anxious I will pull it out and just start writing. When I am sad or otherwise having a hard time, I just start writing. When I am overwhelmed, or happy, I just start writing. (Pretty much, I write for any reason).

Journaling helps me remember things, I don't have the best memory of my youth, however because I kept a journal through some of it,  can look back and see what I was thinking and feeling. That kind of helps jog my memory.

I love that my journal never judges me. I can write the stupidest things, but to my journal, they are nothing but awesome. 

No one reads my journal but me (Unless I let someone, and thus far I haven't) That means I can write the most intimate of details in it if I should choose. I can write things that are only between God and I, my deepest, and possibly darkest secrets.

I have journals for different things. (Currently running 11! EEK!!!) 

None of my journals are perfect, they are me. My journals show my personal and spiritual growth, trials I have been through. They show happy memories, sad memories and everything in between.

Everyone has a story, you owe it to yourself to share it, whether it be a blog, a vlog or a journal!

Love and Hugs,

Sara

How About A Giveaway

I know I haven't posted in a few days, So sorry! I have been feeling under the weather. I said I was planning a giveaway and it is finally here! The give away is for a hand crochet coffee cup sleeve made by me! It should fit any size Starbucks cup. Here is a picture:

  a Rafflecopter giveaway Good Luck! Love and hugs, Sara

Letters To My Former Single Self Link-up Week 4

Question: Describe your first date with your now current partner. Did you feel any "butterflies" on your first couple of encounters? Did you have any indication it would later be the "real deal?"

Dear 18 year old Sara,

The first (few) date with Kevin will be boring. Just dinner. But don't worry they are nice and cozy. You didn't feel butterflies, and you honestly didn't think that this would be the man you would marry. You definitely thought he would be the one to help you out of a not so great situation, and in a way you were right. You thought he was your prince in a way, just not your "forever prince". Don't worry, He ends up being a pretty awesome "forever prince".

The best is yet to come!

Love you,
Your future self

Valentines link up

I decided to join my friend Melissa's Valentines Day Link up. What we are supposed to do was fill in our answers, have our partners give us their answers, compare and then link-up!

Kevin's Answers Sara's Answers/commentary

How long have you been married?
3 years, 7 months, no, wait, 5 years and some-odd months (Really babe, really? lol)
4 years, 10 months, and 2 days
Where was your first date?
In the mall
Narsi's Hof Brau (Which is now closed, Boo!)
Where was your first kiss?
In the mall
Outside of Narsi's, It was a peck on the cheek because I turned my head away.
Who first said, "I love you"?
You
Me! But, That should be no surprise because I pretty much love everyone..
What were your wedding colors?
Purple, black, and white (I asked him why he thought this, and he said its because it was the colors of his suit)
Purple and green
What is her most commonly used phrase?
"Calm yo titties" (I do say this, but only to him, he is spilling my secrets!)
Fo sho
Who is her celebrity crush?
Samuel L Jackson, No, Johnny Depp 
Are we supposed to put ho we think our partners would say, or what it really is... I think my hubby would say Ellen, but really it is probably Channing Tatum, but more honestly, I don't really have a celebrity crush.. That's sad.
If she was ordering drinks for both of you what would you each get?
Minute maid light lemonade for you and diet for me (If we were at McDonalds, then yes. Haha)
Iced tea or water for me and Diet coke or pepsi for him
What is the best meal she has ever cooked you?
Paper chicken
Chicken in paper
What is the worst meal she has ever cooked you?
Anything to tomatoeee or cheesy
Anything to tomatoeee or cheesy
What is the most-played song on her iPod?
We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift
Brokenhearted by Karmin
What would she say is your most annoying habit?
I dont have any
Not listening to me
What is the last thing she does before she goes to bed?
Poke around on her phone
Check my phone
If you could throw out one item of her clothing what would it be?
Purple sweats you're  wearing right now
My sweats, the purple ones
What would you say is your favorite thing about her?
Your outgoingness
Is it really sad that I cant think of one thing? 
What's her go-to drink at Starbucks?
Iced coffee
Iced venti decaf skinny Vanilla Latte with 1 splenda
What's her blog's name?!
Gonna Be A Mom One Day (He gets points here, this is my VLOG's name)
Life A Little Random

Bonus Questions:
Whats her favorite color?
Pink
Pink is awesome!
Does she have any hobbies?
Crafting stitching and bowling
Bowling, Crochet, vlogging and journaling

Enjoy,
Love and Hugs,
Sara